Thieves Suck
by Fragraham Lincon
Summary: a little goofy fanfic to poke fun at Final fantasy 7 and ask the question. "Why didn't they just use a phoenix down?"


Thieves Suck  
By: Fragraham Lincon  
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Normally I don't put silly stuff like this on FFN because it  
breaks the laws of physics by being able to both suck and blow  
at the same time. But still it's a nice lighthearted poke at   
Final Fantasy. If you actually like this then come on  
over to http://gigahurts.tripod.com where I have more of my silly fics.  
and sorry for the lousy formatting. THis fil has been through quite  
a few FTP transfers. Now if you're still here then One with the show..  
..er fic....whatever just read.  
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A limo drives away from a chapel.  
Inside are Cloud   
(wearing a tuxedo) and Tifa (wearing an off white wedding  
dress).  
  
"After all we've been through we're fianally married." Says Tifa.  
  
Cloud smiles and nods thinking of the honeymoon and that he'll finally  
get  
to see  
the "orbs of joy" as he has known them.  
Cloud finds it  
hard to believe that Tifa held out untill mairage.  
  
A week later  
(What you expected a lemone scene. Yeah me too. Sorry.)  
Cloud   
and Tifa have arrived at their new home. "Now, cloud you don't   
expect  
me  
to do all of the cooking." Says Tifa. "Erm....No I'll   
cook tonight."  
Cloud answers.  
  
Tifa goes into the living room to   
relax as cloud begins to prepare a meal.  
Tifa hears a loud crashing  
sound. "Cloud honey, What was that sound?"  
Tifa asks.  
"Just   
chopping some vegetables." Cloud answers. Tifa hears another  
loud  
crash.  
"I'll be right back. I have to go buy a new table."   
Cloud says.  
A little later Cloud comes back. He sets up the new   
table. Cloud takes a  
chicken from the fridge  
and prepares to   
carve it up. Battle music plays, and the chicken gets  
up and  
starts dancing around.  
Cloud waits for his battle gauge to  
fill. He attacks it with a kitchen  
knife and misses.  
The   
Chickend keeps dancing around. Cloud attacks again and trips  
faling on  
the knife.  
The injury puts Cloud at his limit break.  
Cloud attacks the chicken with  
Omnislash.  
The chicken turns  
red and dissapears. "The Hell? How does Tifa do this?"  
Cloud   
asks  
himself.  
  
  
A few days later Tifa is doing all the cooking  
as Cloud watches TV.  
The news comes on. "WHAT THE HELL? What   
happened to the game."  
Cloud rants but then stops to listen.   
"As reconstruction of midgar  
goes on many families are  
attempting to revive lost familly members.  
Thus stores   
all over the world are quickly running out of   
phoenix downs."   
Cloud slaps himself in the head. "DOH phoenix  
down."   
He takes off out the door. "Hey what's going on Cloud?"  
Tifa asks.   
"I'm Gonna go revive Aeris.   
  
Later Cloud arrives at   
a shop. "Yes one phoenix down please."  
he asks of the clerk.   
"Sorry sold out. Some guy who looks a lot  
like Mr.T just  
bought the last three." So Cloud heads back to   
Midgar   
and finds Barret in the sector 7 ruins. "Hey Barret I   
heard you had some phoenix downs. Could you spare one to  
revive Aeris?" Cloud asks. "Sorry spike head I used em all up.  
"  
he responds as two guys and a girl climb out of the rubble.  
"Hi I'm Biggs." "and I'm Wedge." "You ruined my chance to   
  
save Aeris for two guys who are the Final Fantasy equivilents  
  
to Kenny?" screams Cloud. "Watchoo talkin bout foo?"   
Barret responds.  
Barret is answered by two satelites  
falling out of orbit which crush  
Biggs and Wedge. "I   
see what ya mean." Barret says Scratching  
his head.   
"Well at least I brought her back." Barret contiues.  
"Hi I'm Jessie." "Who the hell are you?" asks Cloud.  
"WHAT!   
I'm an early game character. I was the cool girl who  
liked   
technology and bombs and stuff! I WAS A ROMANTIC INTEREST   
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!" Jessie responds outraged.  
"Huh,   
I thought you were a guy" Tifa says confused.  
"OH JUST  
BECAUS I'M NOT NEARLY NAKED LIKE YOU YOU FILTHY ASS  
WHORE!!!! AH SCREW IT!" Jessie takes out a big gun   
and starts  
blasting away at everyone chasing them off.   
  
Cloud then runs into a random enemy attack. Before he  
can   
attack Yuffie finds him "Hey cloud what's up." "Oh   
nothing  
just killing a monster." "Cool can I steal from  
it first."  
"Sure why not" ...time passes. Two hundred   
rounds of fighting later  
Yuffie successfully steals one  
phoenix down. Cloud then casts knights  
of the round.   
"Cloud wasn't that overkill?" asks Tifa.  
"I was feeling  
like overkill. after waiting that long I deserve it.  
"Hey can I help it if all theives suck in square games"   
Yuffie replies.  
"Well at least we got a phoenix down.   
Let's go revive Aeris."  
  
Cloud heads off to the city of   
the ancients while all Final Fantasy  
seven fans cheer.  
  
  
At the lake where Aeris was buried. "Well, here goes.  
"  
says cloud. "yeah there goes our mairage" says Tifa.   
Cloud  
drops the phoenix down in the water........nothing   
happens.  
"The HELL? What a rip off!" "Uhm cloud" Says  
Tifa.  
"NOT NOW WOMAN CAN'T YOU SEE I'M GREEVING!" Cloud  
replies.  
Tifa bitch slaps Cloud and makes him turn around   
"AERIS!"  
he exclaims seeing her. "hey Cloud. What took  
you so long.   
someone already used a gameshark to revive   
me." Sephiroth  
walks up too. Cloud takes out his sword.  
"WHOA COOL IT!  
The code puts me in your party so I'm  
helpful." Sephi says.  
"Go screw yourself Sephi."   
Says Cloud as he walks off.  
  
Tifa aproaches Aeris.  
"Welcome back to the world  
Aeris. *cough*frostbitch*cough*"   
"it's good to be back  
*cough*skankwhore*cough*" "Bitch"   
"Whore" "bitch"  
"whore" "bitch" "whore" Tifa and Aeris  
begin to walk off  
while Sephi stands around looking   
confused. Jessie then   
aproaches. "Hey have either   
of you seen Cloud. I wanted  
to apologize for shooting   
at him." "Who the Hell are you?"  
Aeris asks. Jessie   
begins to reach for her gun "Oh wait.  
We never met in   
the game did we." "Nope" Aeris responds.  
"Okay I'll   
let it go this time. Now who the Hell is that?"  
"Oh  
that's Sephiroth. He killed me. He's an asshole."I pride myself  
on that too." Says Sephi.   
  
Tifa and Aeris resume. "bitch"  
"whore."  
Jessie stands around looking confused.  
"I guess   
the fic's over." says sephi. "I guess....  
.....but something   
just feels.....unfinished."  
says Jessie. A satellite then   
falls out of orbit  
and lands on Sephiroth. "aaaaahhhhh.   
That's better."  
says Jessie. "........what are you people  
still reading for...  
GO AWAY!" Jessie takes out a gun and   
shoots at you.....  
  
----------------end----------------------------------------------  
  



End file.
